15 Years - Our Songs -

When Scott and I were married 15 years ago today, we chose "Come Away with Me," by Norah Jones as our wedding song. We danced to it that evening at our wedding, and we've stopped and twirled and hugged to it whenever, wherever we hear it playing.

On Sunday, during dinner, we heard "I'm Still Standing," and decided to name it the song for the next few years.

Just Joking. 

We heard this, and said yes, this is our song for this next phase of our lives. Great tune. Happy Anniversary, Scott. You've been good to me - 

Voices - When People Don't Like/Get Me -

Yesterday Jenna said, "Mom, sometimes I just don't get you." And I'm thinking, "Yeah, me neither; I don't get myself sometimes." Over the years I've realized I can't be friends with everyone; I can't be liked by everyone. Yet there are times when I stop and think, "Why don't they like me?" And I know there are people I just really can't stand to be around, and I know I don't have to like everyone; I don't have to force myself into getting to know someone, investing the time and energy into learning to like someone. I mean - I've tried for years to learn to like cod, but I still don't, and what's the fuss? So why do I expect myself to like MW, when really, we have little in common, we both have other friends, and just because we're in the same congregation doesn't mean we have to be besties; all we have to do is be kind.

And then yesterday, at a breakfast meeting, LW walked in, said hello to one person at our table, and kept on walking. I thought, "She knows me; I know her, but she ignored me. Why?" Waaaaaa. After our meeting I went to her table, said hi, and she snarkily smiled, said a not-heartwarming hello to me, and that was it. And I wondered what I had done to make her dislike me. Why couldn't she be kind to me like she was to my friend?

This morning, as I was visiting with a client, she wondered why her sister doesn't like her, and why she can't make/get her sister to like her. I gave her the same pep talk I gave myself yesterday -

Just because they're family, colleague, friend of a friend, doesn't mean they have to like you. And just because you're family, colleague, friend of a friend, doesn't mean you have to like them. And ask - is this a relationship that I need or want, what is in it for me, what is in it for them, are they/I worth the energy it will take to create a friendship, and what will the outcome be - friendship, no friendship, besties, frenemies, walk-away and be grateful?

Just because LW doesn't get me, and I don't get MW, doesn't mean anything, anything! My self-worth should not be wrapped up in loading my basket with bundles and bundles of friends for the sake of having friends! I want relationships, and some people are worth knowing, and others, a nod to them, and I'm on my way.

So you don't get me? That's cool; I don't get you either, and I'm not going to worry about it. However, if by chance we pass in the hall and have a moment of connection, awesome, wonderful.

Three

Your job is most definitely NOT to please everyone or to be understood by everyone.

Thirty Two

No matter how many unsupportive people there are in your life right now, remember there is only one voice to truly listen to. That voice lies within you. Everything else is noise.

YES! Introverts -

Time and time again I feel like I need to defend my introversion. Happened again this week - "But  you're so outgoing," "Why are you so quiet?" And I get these pendulum-swinging questions, and honestly, I really don't care to answer them, outloud, but internally I am justifying my introversion. So today, this from Tiny Buddha, felt right.

“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” ~Susan Cain

25 Things Introverts Wish People Understood About Them

1. I’m never lonely. I love, love, love the time I spend alone (or just with my immediate family). It feeds my soul. ~Kim Kay

2. I would rather have a deep conversation with one or two people rather than small chit chat with twenty-five. I value quality over quantity. ~Lyle Hatch

3. I’m not boring or uninteresting; you just never initiate deep conversations with me. ~Natashia Lee

4. I do not enjoy forced conversation and situations. They only makes me want to retreat back to my own space. Just let me sit back to observe, and I will decide if I should join in. ~Michelle Bush West

5. I do not think I am better then you. ~Kimmie Nielsen

6. I mean what I say and only speak when I have to say something. ~Roland Laufer

7. Not wanting to hang out is not personal. I need way more down time and rest than other people may, and that doesn’t mean I’m lazy. ~Dani Hughes

8. We’re not all social butterflies; we’re more like social caterpillars. We take a while to open up. When we do, we can either be like a butterfly around you, but if things go south we’ll want to stay in the ‘wrapped up’ phase forever! ~Carole Ann Rickerd

9. Canceling plans with people less than twenty-four hours beforehand has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my self-care. ~Sahej Anand Kaur Khalsa

10. Just because I’m not all smiley and enthusiastic doesn’t mean I’m not happy. ~Brandon Logan

11. When you mention how quiet I am because I don’t talk much in large gatherings or make a big deal when I do speak, it just makes me feel self-conscious and retreat more into myself. ~Angela Eaves

12. I cannot be “on” when you want me to. There are times when I can join the conversation or party, and times when I simply cannot. ~Sabree Johnson

13. Just because I’m an introvert doesn’t mean I’m anti-social or stuck up. It just takes me longer to recover from events and big groups of people. ~Angela Stewart

14. I deeply care and empathize with so many people in my life, even those that I don’t know personally. I can’t ‘turn it off.’ Going home is my way of avoiding overworking my emotions. It’s so I can rest up and be a good friend, colleague, employee, and citizen tomorrow. ~Jayme Taylor

15. My silence in group conversations isn’t aloofness, indifference, or lack of personality. I’d just rather get to know you one-on-one before I start revealing my thoughts and opinions. ~Amanda Perrett

16. Just because I’m not loud and don’t share my feelings with everyone in sight, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have them. Quite the opposite. I feel things very deeply. ~Liz Szentendrei

17. I’m not a flamboyant personality, but I have as much substance as the next person. ~Terrie Lynch

18. Sometimes I just want to walk in silence, but I am neither sad nor lonely. ~Debra Temple

19. Just because we keep to ourselves, or we are not talkative, does not mean we do not have an opinion or are less intelligent than others. ~Tony Solis

20. Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m upset or mad, so there’s no need to keep asking me “Are you okay?” That gets very tiring. ~Linda Burton

21. I’m not talking because I don’t have anything worthwhile to say and I’m fine with the silence. ~Amber Lockey

22. Sometimes I may act extroverted, but it’s kind of a survival skill I’ve adopted in an extroverted-centered world. Still leaves me feeling mentally exhausted and drained. And feels unnatural. ~Dalas McCown

23. If you ask a question and we don’t respond right away we are thinking through every possible response, how you might react to each response, if it is actually the truth, and then we might get distracted and eventually ponder the meaning of life … even if you just asked how we are doing. ~Michelle Cobley

24. I don’t hate people. I just save my energy for genuine interactions. ~Sharon Stewart

25. I want to be invited! I may not always go or have the ability to stay long, but it doesn’t mean I want to be entirely left out. ~Diana Rouge

How to Wake up Smiling - Reprint -

This: 

When reading, “The Warren Buffett Way,” I came across a line that has been running around in my head ever since —

“You only have to get things right a few times. 12 investment decisions in my career have made all the difference.”

Having recently turned 40 years old, it seemed like a fitting exercise to follow Warren’s lead and get down onto paper what my personal best decisions have been that have led me to a place where most days I wake up smiling.

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1. I decided to make curious my baseline:

Last year, when talking to my dad about the realities of getting older, he hit me with the following words —

“The saddest part about getting older is seeing how intellectually dead some of my friends have chosen to become.”

Few sentences have frozen me more.

And after I let them sink in, I made the decision then and there to make curious my baseline and as a result the idea that “anything is possible” has actually become possible.

Life is not about being the smartest person in the room, or the strongest or the fastest.

Life is about walking through as many doors as you can and learning a new something, seeing a new somewhere and meeting a new someone.

Life is about staying intellectually alive — and I cannot thank my dad enough for smacking me in the face with that reality.

“I have no special talent. I am passionately curious.” — Albert Einstein

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2. I finally decided to get my ass into shape:

Ten years ago I welcomed in my third decade in the backroom of a dive bar in Central America with copious amounts of alcohol, cigarettes, and enough “extracurriculars” to wake up a dead horse. I weighed in at a cool 220 pounds (I am 5’9) and had serious bouts with anxiety and depression, despite leading a life that looked great on paper.

Today I weight 155 pounds, can run for days, go toe to toe with my two little boys, and outwork most people half my age, and this is only because I decided to get brutally selfish in terms of my own health and wellbeing.

“When you make your health your #1 priority the rest becomes so much easier.” — Tim Ferriss

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3. I decided to ask my wife to marry me:

Last week I was talking to a 26 year old creative and he complimented me on doing some pretty cool things recently, which I thought was nice. Then he kept talking, and when he did, the following words came out — “Man, can you imagine where you would be if you did not have a wife and kids to slow you down?”

Being that I am 40 means that I was once 26 also, so I did not give him the lashing out that I wanted to, but walking home that day I couldn’t help but think just how wrong that guy got it.

The secret to success is to keep good company.

And when it comes to good company there is no-one better than my wife.

“The most important thing in the world is family and love.” — John Wooden

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4. I decided to listen to understand people instead of only waiting for my turn to speak:

I wrote in a recent post that because of my stutter I grew up a good listener, but that was a lie. Just like most people I was so caught up in what I was going to say, I never actually listened to anyone (even more so since I stuttered because I was so stressed out about having to actually talk).

I am not sure what the Myers Briggs code is for a stutterer with ADHD who never really listened to anyone, but I am pretty sure it is D I C K.

Fortunately for me I had a great speech therapist who recognised this and taught me to prioritise listening to others in order to get over my stutter (smart huh?).

She forced me to make a habit out of writing down three things I learned after each conversation, and somewhere along the way I slowly began to stop worrying about what I was going to say, and I started to actually listen to what other people were saying — and instantly my relationship and career dominos started to fall.

“Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” — Larry King

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5. I decided to get off the couch:

This past month I have been to two kid birthday parties and I am very proud to say that I was the dirtiest and wettest person there.

I was the only adult to get in the pool. I was the only adult to fill, throw, and destroy water balloons over a bunch of three year old heads. I was the only adult not wearing any shoes.

You can either give your kid a bath or you can get in the bath. You can either sit in the park or you can play in the park. You can either eat dinner or you can learn how to cook.

This past decade I have chosen the latter and it has made a world of difference.

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” -George Bernard Shaw

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6. I decided to do what scared me the most instead of doing what I wanted to do the most:

Everything I love today, I once feared.

Every. Single. Thing.

I was petrified to take a sales job, but over time it led me to the work I love.

I was scared to death to leave a life I was not happy living behind, to start over in a new country where zero friends and zero work opportunities were waiting, but it led me to the love of my life.

I was absolutely terrified to start a family, but could not imagine a better life than the one I have with my wife and our two little ones.

Confidence does not only come from getting things right. Confidence comes from trying, and I am proud of the fact that at least I decided to become a “trier.”

“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” — Henry Ford

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7. I decided to stop keeping score:

The beauty of getting older is that the longer you live the more patterns begin to emerge. I plan to go into more detail about this in the future, but one of the most glaring patterns is how the more good deeds you do today, the more good deeds will come back to you tomorrow, as long as you are just a little patient.

We can all think of a time when we did something nice for someone and it either went unnoticed or it was not repaid. But try not to get too frustrated with people and give life time — despite what people say, life is long.

“Keeping score is for games, not friendships.” — John Maxwell

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8. I decided to stay away from complicated and embrace simplicity:

A few years ago a friend recommended that I take a few minutes and write down everything I enjoy doing. After I was done he looked at me and he said, “What are you so worried about money for? Everything you love is either free or extremely cheap.”

This year I will earn a fraction of what I did a decade ago, but my smile is ten times bigger and this is because I finally took the time to identify what creates my smile and my answers were simple.

I love spending an obscene amount of time with my wife and kids. I love talking to old friends and making new ones. I love getting out into nature. I love reading and I love writing. I can do all of these things everyday and I would be willing to bet so can you.

“Hack away at the unessential. Simplicity is the key to brilliance.” — Bruce Lee

9. I decided to proactively thank people and/or compliment people:

Like a lot of people I have a tendency to get so caught up in what I am doing, and what I want to accomplish, that I forget that the people around me have dreams too.

In order to get over this bad habit, the last few years in addition to having my own “to-do” list, I also have a list of what the people I care about are doing, and each day I make my rounds to either encourage them or thank them, and I know I am a better person for it.

“Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” — G.B Stern

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Get curious.

Make your health a priority.

Keep good company.

Shut up and listen.

Keep moving.

Stop living in fear.

Stop Keeping Score.

Embrace simplicity.

Make an effort to be kind to people.

Don’t make it harder than it has to be

Addiction; Dependency; Habit; Routine; Ritual; Behavior -

In my work, we place "habitual ways" into the following categories:

Addiction - Seeking; inability to stop using; gets in the way of a "normal" life and relationships. Physical and mental dependence. Typically seen negatively.
Finding the next "fix" is more important than finding the money to pay for it. 

Dependency - Gotta have for physical needs; not debilitating. Physical dependence.
I can't sleep at nights without my sleeping meds; wish I could. 

Habit - Healthy or unhealthy, typically a mental behavior and need. Often there is a trigger for a routine. An action to do something repeatedly.
I always have a Diet Pepsi with my lunch. 

Routine - Doing things in a regular/habitual way. Doing something repeatedly for the action.
Get up, pray, brush my teeth, turn on the radio, shower. Every single day. 

Ritual - Habit of doing something related to purpose.
We bless our food before we eat it. 

Behavior - Way of living in response to the environment. Action.
My child is golden, until he's with friends; then he's a terror. 

Addiction versus Dependency

There is a difference between physical dependence and addiction. Addiction is a neurobiological disease that has genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors. It is characterized by an inability to stop using a drug; compulsive drug use; continued use despite failure to meet work, social, or family obligations; and, sometimes (depending on the drug), tolerance and withdrawal.

Physical dependence is the body’s adaptation to a particular drug. Physical dependence does not constitute addiction, but it can accompany addiction. After time, a body may become used to receiving particular doses of a medication. It may build a tolerance to the medication and require higher doses of the drug to achieve a certain effect. A person may also experience physical withdrawal symptoms if the drug is abruptly stopped or the dosage is reduced too quickly. Physical dependence can happen with the extended use of many drugs—including many prescription drugs, even if taken as instructed.

Pseudo-addiction is a term that describes behaviors that may occur when pain is not being treated adequately. Patients who are desperate for pain relief may watch the clock until it is time for their next medication dose. They may do things that would normally be considered “drug seeking” behaviors, such as: taking medications not prescribed to them, taking illegal drugs, or using deception to obtain medications. The difference between pseudo-addiction and true addiction is the behaviors stop when the patient’s pain is adequately treated.

Addiction behaviors to watch for: Taking medications more frequently or at higher doses than prescribed. Ingesting drugs in ways other than directed. Frequent reports of lost or stolen prescriptions. Doctor shopping. Using multiple pharmacies.

Addicts:

·         Take drugs to get high and avoid life.

·         Isolate themselves and become lost to their families.

·         Unable to interact appropriately with society.

·         Eventually unable to hold down a job.

·         The life of an addict is a continuous downward spiral.

Patients with pain:

·         Take drugs to function normally and live.

·         With adequate relief, become active members of their families.

·         With adequate relief, interact and make positive contributions.

·         With adequate relief, are able to go back to work.

·         With adequate relief, their life progresses in a positive, upward direction.

Adapted from: “Opiods: Addiction vs. Dependence.” Karen Richards, 2008.

One Year Later - Annual Physical -

I hate these, but I do it, every single year, that annual physical - because, well, just in case. So today I went with a grateful heart, grateful to have health insurance that will cover this physical, grateful to have health to be insured, and grateful to not have any stressors or concerns on my list.

This past year I've exercised a minimum of 3 times a week, walked more than 10,000 steps a day, except Sundays, eaten healthy, except my daily Diet Pepsi, and had a great mental attitude, with a little help from Wellbutrin and Mindfulness.

And it showed - 4 pounds less than last year; blood pressure less; blood levels great, including a drop in LDL's and overall cholesterol, Vitamin D at its prime - without supplements; osteoporosis holding its own; mammogram clear; and a colonoscopy in the fall.

Concerns, she asked? Nope - but loving my Wellbutrin; my sleeping meds - same ones I've been taking for 15 years; no need for Ativan any more; keep me on the Fosomax and Thyroid; and leave me be!

For 60, she said, "You are in top shape; I'm proud of you, stay that way. Keep doing what you're doing."

For 60, I said, "I am the happiest, healthiest, settled'est, contented'est I've been since 45. I'll keep doing what I'm doing."

If I can do this, anyone can. Being healthy takes a lot of work; it's not something I take for granted; I work every day to be the best I can, and yes, I relax, and yes, I work hard, and yes, as my dear friend Marv says, "The proof is in the puffin'." (Not puddin', puffin'.)

Hurray!