Can You - Remember the Last Time You Cried - International Women's Day -

My writing prompt for today is: When was the last time you cried?

Interestingly, it was just this past Tuesday. I'm not much of a crier, often I stuff my emotions, my hurt, and bully through in anger or fear or resignation - whether that's a physical or emotional hurt. In fact, I seldom cry when I'm in physical pain; I may swear or moan, but I don't cry. 

Emotional pain, that's another story. I cried when I made the decision to ask for a divorce. I cried in resignation, deep-sorrow, loss. Then I cried after my divorce in frustration that none of my leads for jobs on the east coast were panning out. Then I cried when Scott and I decided to get married - in absolute astonishment and amazement that being a we was even a possibility. 

I cried when my son-in-law was electrocuted, burnt, brain-damaged. I cried for my daughter who would be carrying this load - for years to come. 

I cried when my son, out of frustration and fear (I believe), told me he didn't want to talk to me, that I had f'd up his life. Thank God, through time, space, and a history of great communication, we are talking and enjoying each other these days. 

I cried when I was told I had cancer. I cried when I was so very very tired from chemo and radiation, and all I wanted to do was disappear - forever. In fact, I cried many times - hurt, fear, sorrow, fatigue, anxiety, and adjusting to a new me. 

I cried when my father died - not the moment he passed, but a few weeks later, when I realized I was not hearing his band-saw and his compressor - I didn't hear him working on his wood, and the absence of sound made me cry. 

I cried the last time Scott and I argued. I never ever ever want to be so angry or so sad that I feel depleted, defeated, dismayed.

I cried about 4 months ago when I realized my expectations and my reality did not coincide - my culture, my beliefs, my soul, my heart, were in-congruent. I cried tears of disappointment, relief, sorrow, exasperation, and resignation. What I know and what I have been taught to believe no longer line up, and I have had to determine how to carry on. 

And Tuesday, after saying "no" to a request, and supporting that "no," I received a text, a bullying sexist text, from someone I thought was a colleague. And then I was pressured by another colleague I fully trusted to compromise/give in, I cried out of frustration and out of a fear that perhaps I was becoming the "bitch" I had worked so hard to say good-bye to. And I cried. I cried because my voice was not valued. I cried because my hard work was not considered. I cried because someone thought he could treat me this way. I cried for all of the women I love who feel pressured to do what they don't want to do, by a man, by a manager/director/supervisor, and are forced to compromise their standards. And I cried because I said, "Trust me," and these 2 individuals decided I was not valued enough to trust. 

And in this day of Women - I am grateful to have a strong voice, a thoroughbred personality, a git-'er-done attitude that has nothing to do with speaking in a man's voice, with being a weakling, with being bitchy. I am grateful for my tears that not only release physical, but emotional toxins from my body, my soul, and allow me to be true. 

cahttps://drjudithorloff.com/the-healing-power-of-tears/ption