Looking for Happiness - A Mindful Practice 5 -

"Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it."

I've been seriously practicing Mindfulness now for 8 months. And I must say I am feeling more calm than I have in years. In fact, the last time I remember being this calm and "cool" was Thanksgiving of 2005 (Thanksgiving dinner at our house, most of the kids there, and I sat on the couch and visited with the kids while Scott and some of the kids cleaned, and for me to remember this moment is pretty telling.).

First of all, I have been on anti-depressants for nearly as long, and what I think they've done is given my body, spirit, mind permission to calm down, but I've still had to learn the skills.

I've been reading two books, but the one that has helped me the most, and has pushed the things I've learned and I've already known to practice is The Untethered Soul; The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael Singer. While this book and Singer, are not without controversy, what he teaches has been truth to me, and his words and suggestions for practice have been the nourishment my angst-ridden soul has needed.

Singer teaches that we need to rearrange how we deal with good and bad emotions. Typically, when bad emotions - whether they come from a wrong, a misdeed, an insult, a thought, something that is bothering, we grab onto it and stew over it for hours, if not days. It surrounds us, encompassing us. And when we can't solve it, we tamp it down inside, stifling the emotion, pushing it deep inside ourselves, so there's more room for the wrongs that come our way, because that's how we're supposed to handle the bad, "If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." We examine the wrong, hold onto it like a precious stone, and we don't let go of it. In fact, we can often recollect, years later, the wrong, because it's still inside us, easy to pull out and take a look at anytime we'd like.

Sadly, that's not the norm when something good happens to us. We hold it for a moment, then brush it off, and move on. We may hang on to a small ounce of goodness, but we often think, 'Great, finally," then let it go.

Singer suggests that we switch these two thoughts - holding on to goodness, forever in our hearts, and, after taking a look at the wrong, letting it go. Think of the beauty we would all experience if instead of hanging on to bad, we hold good inside of us, and tamp it down, to make room for more good. And the more good we hold, the more room we have for good. Rather than embracing the bad, we embrace the good.

I've been working on this - rather than embracing the worry, anger, concern, tomorrow's, yesterday's, fears, I've examined them, taken a look to see how they can best serve me (rather than me serving them), and then let them go. This is so freeing! I've had more time to be present, living in the here, living in goodness, being aware of now. This, of course, has helped me in being more generous to myself and to others. And, this has given me more physical, emotional, and spiritual space to hold on to the good (although I'm still having a hard time always accepting the good), and to examine the good, to relish the good, to keep that good close to my heart.

www.happify.com

A Mindful Practice Part 4 - Here and Now -

Before my diagnosis, I was always trying to get somewhere else. 

Now I try so hard to be present. 

This practice has had a huge impact on all I do, 

whether going, staying, doing, being, worrying, centering. 

Six Year Cancerversary - Living My Truth -

I am learning that my cancer was about more than cancer. It was about teaching me about me. Six years ago I began the cancer leg of my adventure, and I'm still traveling, and learning. Cancer has changed the way I see the world and my place in this place. 

Willa Cather, one of my most favorite authors, having written painfully lovely books, such as O Pioneers, My Antonia, Death Comes to the Archbishop, in her memoir about her days in the Mediterranean, “Le Lavandou,” writes, “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them by chance, in a lucky hour, at the world’s end somewhere, and holds fast to the days, as to fortune or fame.”

Abraham Maslow presents the idea that, “Whereas the average individuals ‘often have not the slightest idea of what they are, of what they want, of what their own opinions are,’ self-actualizing individuals have ‘superior awareness of their own impulses, desires, opinions, and subjective reactions in general’.”

Martha Washington is attributed to having said, “I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” 

“Joy seems to be a part of an unconditional wish to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations. Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet whatever is there. It has a kind of invincibility that attachment to any particular outcome would deny us” (Kitchen Table Wisdom 171). 

2 Corinthians 1:4 says we are comforted in our troubles so that we can provide comfort/compassion to others during their trials. 

Yet, I am just a person living life on life's terms, and hard things happen. 

Pics by Nick - 6 years ago this week, just after receiving my diagnosis. 

Second Chances - Again -

Six years ago this week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through two surgeries, four months of chemo, thirty-three radiation treatments, and a dozen or more “procedures,” and more than eighteen months of recovering from just the visible physical wounds. My life has changed in so many ways – good and bad, yet I am beginning to be grateful for this journey, it has been quite an adventure. Cancer treatments steal life, cost exorbitant  amounts of money and time, mess with relationships, and take years and years to recover from, if one has the luck of recovering.

Cancer has changed my beliefs – strengthened them in so many ways and in ways I’ve left some beliefs behind. Cancer has changed my self-perception, making me more strong and secure and very self-aware and self-conscious.

Cancer killed one Ronda and has brought another to life. Cancer strengthened my marriage, strengthened my resolve to be true to me and my beliefs, and has made me aware I was given life upon life upon life of chances to get mine right.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and she asked me who my God was. And for lack of thinking too deep (because cancer killed my ability to think fast), I said, “My God is a God of second chances.” She looked puzzled, so I replied, “God has given me so many chances to get my act together, to decide what it is I believe in, to be kind to others, to serve, to fix my wrongs, to say I’m sorry, to say I love you, to clean my inner-house, to get rid of regrets, to simplify my life, and to decide how I want to move forward in this life. And my Higher Power has done that again and again throughout my life in so many many ways.” I have had so many chances to begin, again, and I am so blessed.

Pretty powerful blessings in my life. I'm not stuck, or doomed; I am changeable, because life goes on, and opportunities come and go, and I will grow and learn and develop when opportunities, or terrible diagnosis’, come my way.

I am grateful for the good and bad and terrible and tough and beautiful experiences I’ve had in my life – they’ve given me a chance to reevaluate where I’m heading, where I want to go, and how I want to get there.

          Cancer sucks – I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I think I’ll always be learning from this second chance.

Sun, Sand, Mountains, Water - the Outdoor Necessities of My Soul -

Scott and I spent the last week in Northern California, listening to the sound of waves, wandering the wilds of the Redwoods, and gathering rocks and sand dollars on the beach.

I once heard that people need sun, sand, mountains, and water in their lives - because that is our origin, and we need to return to these elements on a yearly basis to regenerate our bodies and souls.

Last year I yearned for water and mountains, and Scott and I tried to "get there," but because of fires and smoke, our travels, and vista, were thwarted. I hungered for the water, a sparkling river even, and throughout last fall I felt the need, not just desire, to get to water! This year I've been blessed to have the opportunity to travel and receive from these sources, and I feel better.

Gratefully, when planning our trip to England I was able to arrange for a few nights in Herne Bay, and just the sight of the ocean and blue skies made me exhale, inhale, and breath in the fresh air. 

And my need for mountains and trees - Idaho mountains or Southern hills - doesn't matter, was taken care of when we spent time in Idaho - only once this year (3x last year), but long enough for me to smell the pine, hear the Lodge Poles bending in the wind, and sit by crystal clear running water.

Now for the sand - and that happened over the past week, and I almost feel whole again.

I'm not much of a hiker, biker, outdoors-woman, but my soul needs the outdoors more than it needs buildings, and while I'm in a building most of my day, I'm finding that time spent outside really is time well-spent, even if it's walking around the block on a concrete sidewalk or trekking through Belgium on cobblestone walkways, or dodging bicycles on asphalt roads in Amsterdam, or exploring bits of England in my walking shoes, I need the outdoors.

I often wonder about folks who spend their time, lots of their time indoors - doing indoor stuff, never to even miss being outdoors. How? What feeds their souls? What helps them relax, re-energize, renew, reset, re-center?

A Few Favorites -

I love quotes/sayings - inspirational, funny, thought-provoking. Here are a few of my favorites -

Breaking a Habit - Can't Stop -

Well, I'm teaching a class at UVU this semester! Yep - school began today, and I just couldn't not teach. However, rather than a hairy load of 3 classes, which includes a butt-load of grading, I'll teach one early evening class, be finished and home in time for dinner.

I tossed most of my teaching materials, kept a few things electronically, and I'm not sad - this means I can begin, again, putting things in my paper and electronic file as needed. And in this time of simplifying my life and living "less is best," I'm just fine with that.

So, here's to a great class tomorrow - welcome back to me!