Monday, June 20, 2016

Uncertainty -

I'm not kidding when I say I live from day to day. I know - probably a revelation to many of you who know me. I am extremely organized, I have my planner sketched out through the week, and beyond, and I like knowing what's going to happen rather than being surprised. But in my real world, I live one morning, one afternoon, one evening, at a time, never looking forward too far. Why? Anxiety is the key element in this un-process. Things that used to excite or push me on now overwhelm or confuse me.

For instance - I have a colleague who says, "We really need to get this project finished, because when it's off our plate and into the hands of administration they are going to want us to take this to corporate." Exciting for sure, but if I have to add this to my already overloaded daily workload, I'm anxious, and it's hanging in the back of my mind saying, "Fix me, fix me." And I can't. Another - Scott and I are planning a trip to the Northwest. My old Ronda needs to have the first night's lodging planned, the second night's lodging scheduled, and then I can rest. The certainty of the uncertainty scares me, so I organize, and then I let go, because if I had to plan all the days of our trip, then anxiety rushes on me.

My dear husband taught me how to cope with this world of uncertainty. He taught me, "One day at a time," which also means one moment at a time. He taught me, "Not everything needs to be done right now," and "Just because it's on your radar doesn't mean it's on mine."

So I plan - to the best of my ability, and then I "Let go and Let God." Or - let go of what I can't control, which includes the ever changing moments of my life.

Uncertainty also means flexibility, and as funny as this sounds, particularly mentioning that I'm organized, it plays in very well to my organization - if I am planned, then I can let go, knowing the plan, when the time is right, will happen - in one form or another. And flexibility is my middle name (along with Lyn).

And so in scheduling and then letting go, I can breathe through my anxiety rather than hold my breath through the turbulent moments. I can stay in the moment, be present, knowing that I don't have to know everything all the time, and be just fine with that. I'm confused by people who live in a world of certainty, black and white, 2, 5, 10 year plans, leaving no time for changes, questions - meaning no time for adventures, listening for answers.

Already, this week has brought uncertainty and a need to make adjustments - and although I had a moment of stress this morning, I breathed, took a short meditation break, and then I could step by in my day with certainty, being fully present as the day unfolded.

Uncertainty does not breed lack of control, doubt, fear, rather, uncertainty can breed flexibility and mostly - freedom, freedom of choice - when to worry, when to bend, when to act, when to pause. I'm not burdened by the "What's next" and "What if's" of control. Certainty gives a sharply clear picture, but leaves no place for adventure. Uncertainty brings adventure, and it's in the uncertainty that magic happens.

Margaret Atwood said, "When nothing is sure, everything is possible." I like this -

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