I've had a tough few weeks/months. And I think I've figured out the reason for my franticness, my near panicness.
April 18 was the "magic" date, yet there really wasn't any magic to the date, just a number I chose based on, ummm, numbers! And to some extent it was the number I could give myself that was the guarantee that cancer would no longer be a part of my life (the last day of radiation).
And yet - there are still so many "what if's," and I've lived with this apple dangling in front of my for 5 years, and now I have the apple in my hand, and I'm still wondering what was so wonderfully amazing and final about April 18.
The past several months I've been preparing for that drop-dead date, but not really knowing or acknowledging that I was - in my mind that preparation was for going to England, going to Holland, finishing the semester, going full-time at the hospital, or some other event or series of events.
So - this winter I put my house in order - from emptying the freezer to ironing my summer clothes to finishing up any unfinished project - no stone was left unturned in my hurriedness to be prepared.
There have been no disasters! Both trips were fantastic, went as smoothly as they possibly could, the garden is growing, Scott and I are at our healthiest, and the summer is mine.
So I should be happy, frolicking through yard, but I'm not. I'm sad; I'm angry; I'm anxious; and I've been at a high level of bitchiness - and of course Scott is the recipient of my crap (and for that I'm really sad, which just makes me more bitchy and more disappointed).
When will this level of panic settle down? It's as if I've been waiting for the crap of the past 15 years to really calm down, but it's been more than 15 years, and I would love to tell my younger self to "let it go," and live in the present, but I can't even tell the today self this.
I have been working so hard to be healthy - body, mind, spirit, career, family - and things are so good, and I am healthy -
I KNOW both shoes have dropped; I KNOW there is no need to panic; I KNOW my life is phenomenal, but what I don't know is this - how do I accept happiness? How do I become "just fine" with a beautiful life? How do I not cause panic?
BTW - 8 quarts of chili, 8 quarts of chicken rice soup, 8 pints of cooked brown and white rice, 8 pints of cooked quinoa and teff in the freezer - filling up that cleaned freezer - why?
What's next? Why can't I be happy right now, content, fine with the way things are? Is there anything wrong with being content, being fine, accepting goodness? Ronda - you are not missing any shoes.