Going back a few years ago - Jenna's husband, Cliff, was in an industrial accident, electrocuted, heart stopped, burns, amputations, skin grafts, secondary infections, and there were days Jenna wondered if Cliff could handle "this" much longer. I watched Jenna suffer watching Cliff suffer. Cliff was in the hospital for 2 months and recovering for 3 more years.
An important phrase a crisis therapist told me was this, "Your job is to support the supporter." My job was to support Jenna, who was supporting Cliff.
When I made this statement to Scott on Sunday night - and his Monday anger and reaction, he needed someone to support him; he needed someone to turn to who could help him walk through his reaction to my statement.
Thank God I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of years. I called her office on Tuesday morning, and although her day was full, she made time to talk to the 2 of us yesterday afternoon. She took our anger and turned it into fear - the root emotion, and taught us how important it is to share that fear with each other and then to reach out for support.
I have realized that I have a great support system - and in turn, so does Scott, but think about how his life has changed in the past 4 months. He's gone from having a healthy, vibrant, sexy, dynamic, talkative, energetic, gorgeous, attentive wife (OK, mostly), to a bald, off-balance, exhausted, teary, anxious, introspective wife with absolutely no time for him. Our lives are cancer - there's no way around it.
Talk about trauma? Talk about "why me?" Talk about lonely? Talk about loss? Talk about anger, fear, grief, and then, to top it all off, he loses his father and then his father's home (right across the street from us) is sold.
Support - I'm working on supporting my supporter this week.
I need him; he needs me.
We both need a support system - even when we say, "Everything's fine."
I'm so amazed by your insights and your ability to see all things through your beautiful eyes. I received the Christmas card you sent and stared at it for the longest time and pondered what life must be like for you since that picture was taken. You look so introspective and when I look at Scott I see a man who is crazy in love with his most prized possession--you. Life has a way of smacking us upside the head every now and again and my theory (if you're interested at all) is that life just wants to remind us to not take anything for granted. I find myself in ruts every now and again and it seems that every time I start to feel a little sorry for myself, instead of being graciously thankful, something hits me like nothing I've experienced before, but I take it as an opportunity to see what it is I'm supposed to learn. I know you don't want what's happening to you and quite frankly... I can't say I blame you, as I can hardly stand it and I'm no where near to see what your days are like. But, I too am angry, I'm confused and shamefully standoffish, and can't for the life of me figure out what great lesson is to be learned from going through such a trial of fire, but I do trust that you'll you'll rise like a phoenix from the aftermath of this hardship, just like every other experience you've mastered so eloquently, and undoubtedly with a wealth of fight. Thank you for sending me such a beautiful picture of two of the kindest people I know. I love you more and more with each new day, and I'm sending you prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams for a bright future, once you've had time to recoup and the stamina to stomp on this pile of stink you've been battling for the past several months now. When that time comes, I'll bring over my hardiest shit kickers and we can both do our best to kick this crap to smithereens and walk away from it with me singing praises to you and your strength and me following right behind you. As I see it, you're my hero and there is nothing more that would make happier than to ride on the backs of your heels and shout to the world how proud I am of you and how grateful and honored I feel to be considered a friend of yours. Now, snuggle up in your covers and let your body rest as needed and think about the warm weather that will be blowing your way in a few more months, and then picture us sitting on your back deck drinking a glass of lemonade with a sprig of mint floating amongst the ice cubes, as we talk about the latest books we've read. I'll even make finger sandwiches (all veggies of course) and we'll munch them down with some pita chips, and then we'll laugh and laugh, and laugh some more about the funny things our beautiful grand-kids have been saying or something stupid I said or did that would drop anyone with a brain to their knees. I will try to make it over to your place before the holidays so I can give you a hug or a shoulder for you rest your weary head on. Have sweet dreams and try not to fret or worry (I know that's easier said than done) because all will be well, and so it goes...
ReplyDeleteI love this, Julie! You're a helluva soul yourself.
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