Friday, July 19, 2013

Lord Forgive Me . . .

I went to physical therapy in a pissy mood this morning. My typical 30 minute walk took me 45 because of lack of stamina and foot pain, and when my PT gave me a 2 lb. weight to lift, and it hurt, I bemoaned the fact that 5 weeks ago I was lifting 20 lbs. I cussed to my physical therapist, telling him how much my life has changed since my cancer diagnosis and how my thoughts and actions have become tentative and methodical, rather than intuitive and casual.

My body - simple things like loss of balance, hearing, and vision, joint pain, hair growth (still no hair in my armpits), and the damn stress fractures and freakin' weight gain. I wondered, out-loud, when my body would ever return to "normal." He reminded me that I can't go back, just moving forward to a new normal - yet to be defined. However, my left arm is healing, and I am getting better range of motion, although I still can't blow my nose with two hands, scratch my back, or throw a ball.

My mind - called our George Foreman grill a Norman Rockwell grill to a friend yesterday, messed up math, forgot a couple of important things, I have to really stop and think through what I'm saying before making a request, and recalling words is really difficult when I'm tired or stressed - which is often these days.

My spirit - I must say I'm stronger here. I'm learning and growing. I'm kinda liking being still. Which worries me to some degree. I have a few things on my plate for fall, and I'm hoping to be strong enough to present my best self.

PT (Dave) and I talked about things we take for granted - memory, balance, fine-motor skills, communication abilities, word recall, stamina. And I whined, and he joked, and we laughed, and life goes on, and I will get better - whatever this word now means. I will.

And then I read this story, and recognize how truly blessed I am, how strong my body is, how thankful I am to be able to communicate, with only a pause to gather my thoughts, and how gracious the gift of a strong spirit. And mostly, how fortunate I am to be surrounded by people who care, who are patient, and who are supporting me as I grow.

I attended a breast cancer retreat a few weeks ago. 
These are the hands of cancer thrivers 
(we decided we don't like being called a survivor), supporting each other. 
I am very grateful for the support I am finding from this network of 
strong amazing women.

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