There are days when I am homesick for my chemo and hydration days. Life was simple then. No decisions - wake up, go to the gym, shower, put on some comfy clothes and a little makeup, find a hat, go to the oncology lab, be hooked up, sit, sit, sit, go home, sick, sick, sick, sleep, sleep, sleep. Write in my blog, wake up, do it all over again. Work a little, visit a little, read a little, listen to lots of music. No choices, no options, no energy. All of my energy was going to staying alive, and Scott and others took care of any extras. Yet I can't begin the amount of work and energy this took.
Even when I hurt my back, my days were simplified - acupuncture, heat, sit a little, stand a little, rest a little, work. My choices were limited by my energy and ability level.
These days - so many options! Including - should I rest or play with a grandchild. Should I say "yes," and try to juggle, or say "no," and feel bad/good that I did so? Should I ignore and see if it resurfaces down the road? Should I give it my "new" best or the best of others' expectations? Just what are my expectations? What do I let slip by, what do I make a priority? Do I attend this seminar,or stay home and quilt/sleep/watch a movie?
It is nice to know I'm not the only post-treatment woman who has these concerns. What do I put back on my plate, what do I leave off, what do I remove, what new do I add?
I am blessed to be given this tabula rasa - how often in life are we given the opportunity to start over, again? Although I'm still limited by energy, there are so many options for me these days. I'm learning to take things slowly and methodically, weighing, balancing, pulling out my glass ball and looking into the future.