#31 F Cancer - Awareness Months

#31 - NO MORE AWARENESS MONTHS

What if there were months celebrating, acknowledging, high-fiving, educating:

• Marital Bliss Month
• Third Marriage Month
• Angst Month
• Anxiety Month
• Alcoholics Month
• Plantar Fasciitis Month
• Step-children Month
• Can't Pay My Phone Bill Month
• No More Mortgage Payments Month
• Good-in-bed Month
• Bad-in-bed Month
• Sleepwalking Month
• Sleep Deprivation Month
• 'Yo Momma Month
• Plates and Screws in My Body Month

Enough - If everyone with any sort of ability or disability had their ability or disability hyper-commodified, we all would be walking messes. I'm tired of it. F Cancer, F awareness months. 

Bring on November! 

Nashville, April 2019

F Cancer #29 and 30 - Learning -

#29 and 30 - Learning

Way back, I was told that cancer would be my teacher long after treatments ended. And that has been so true. While I won't hang all of my growth and learning on the hat of cancer, I think my awareness is what it is because of my cancer, my career, and my daily activities. It's hard to leave cancer when seeing it on a daily basis.

In fact, a reason I hate Pinktober is because I see cancer on a daily basis. I don't need to be hyper-aware, hyper-alerted to cancer - FCancer!

And yet - this month I've been super introspective, and what I've learned about myself this month is:

• I am not perfect
• I am whole
• I carry my stressers internally, and they definitely have physical manifestations. 
• Some of these include: 
• Pinktober
• Chaplain bruhaha from this past year
• Unanswerable questions
• Hard brain work and team work still didn't warrant a "yes."
• What does "moving forward" look like. 
• Patients
• Do you take your work home with you? Was a question on the employee health assessment. Yup - particularly at 3am. 
• Retirement from UVU - who woulda thunk I'd be in withdrawal mode.
• A sense of urgency do use that retirement time wisely.
• My feet and leg 
• I have a boot on the troublesome leg, and I'm healing!!!
• Airbnb, while lovely is a lot of work. 
• Blocked Nov and Dec - 
• Commitment to Exercise
• Recommitted  - so many benefits
• Mom
• Serving her is a blessing
• Social Media
• Blogging is great, Instagram and Facebook are not. 
• I am weary
• And I'm ready to not be - what does that look like?
• I freakin' need my sleep, and I need to figure this out. 
• Time to visit the therapist I saw during my cancer journey. 
• Chaplains need chaplains. 
• My life is amazing
• Husband
• Career
• Family
• Health
• Home
• I must make time to create - this gives me time to think and stew and move on. 
• Sew
• Quilt
• Projects

I'm learning . . . 

F Cancer #28 - David Brooks and Character

#28 - Character

David Brooks, in his article in The Atlantic, writes this, about suffering: 

"When people look forward, when they plan their lives, they say, 'How can I plan ... [to] make me happy?'" Brooks noted. "But when people look backward at the things that made them who they are, they usually don't talk about moments when they were happy. They usually talk about moments of suffering or healing. So we plan for happiness, but we're formed by suffering." Like love, suffering exposes our lack of control over our lives. But it also encourages deep introspection and equips people with a moral calling. "They're not masters of their pain, they can't control their pain, but you do have a responsibility to respond to your pain," Brooks explained. He gave the example of Franklin Roosevelt, whose character was forged through his battle with polio. 

His philosophy on character is old-fashioned and yet timely. He doesn't mince words yet his experiences give credibility to his perspective. I like the guy. 

Anything you can read by Brooks will give you insight into living, which, of course, includes suffering. His columns lift me, inspire me, cause me to ponder, and give me nourishment for days. (And I find his thoughts on Adam 1 and Adam 2 fascinating.)

F Cancer #25, 26, 27 - Thoughts

F Cancer #25, 26, 27 -

One of my favorite pic options on my phone is that to capture an image. I love motivating thoughts; I love words, and any phrase that can trigger something positive in me gets snapped and saved. Here are a few -

F Cancer #24 - Marriage Lessons

#24 - Things I've learned about marriage (Cancer Lessons?)

• Before speaking hurtful or sarcastic words (or in that tone), ask: Whom is this serving? 
• Surrender to win (which is, after all, winning)
• Play offense, not defense - their best interests are your best interests
• You have the right to start the day over, at any time
• Hurt people hurt people
• Be intentional
• Leave the past in the past. Bring lessons and experiences to the present, but do not pry and poke and wonder - that is harmful
• Play - 
• Respect the dance - Your dance, His dance, Our dance

F Cancer #23 - Healing

#23 - Healing

Honestly - I just don't heal/bounce back/forward from any sicknesses or injuries like I did pre-cancer. And although I'm 7 years older than I was pre-cancer, my body just does not mend as quickly or fully as it used to. And when I do get an illness or injury, it is full-force, not just a minor illness.

Today I had my annual well-woman physical. I walked in with a list of concerns and walked out with a list of supplements and prescriptions and a "see you in 4-6 weeks" nod. Then I went to the physical therapist, who said my feet should definitely be mending, said radiation and chemo are hard on a body for decades (same thing my doctor said), and ordered me to a boot for the next 2 weeks 24-7, and then daytime for another 2 weeks, just to boost the healing.

Or course this scares the shit out of me, and I hate having to be hyper-vigilant, and yet I hate even more being less-than what I know I can be.

I've learned to trust a few medical providers, and my doctor and this PT are ones whom I can totally trust, who get me, who know my aversion to prescriptions and crutches, who know I want to heal, who know I will listen and be as proactive as possible, and who know how difficult waiting is for me.

I'll purchase the supplements, pick up my prescriptions, put the boot on my foot, and heal!

So now - I mend.

Putting On My Kwan Yin

https://stillbeloved.blog/2018/03/05/honor-your-hard-healing-work/

Honor Your Hard Healing Work

march 5, 2018 by victoria mcgee

"Hey, why aren’t you all the way healed yet? Aren’t you trying? What? You’re not done? Well, when will you be done? You don’t know? Why not? How long will this take? I need to get on with things, and this is really holding me back.”

Sound familiar? This inner critic, this part of our minds that keeps us from being happy needs to be smacked down sometimes. Well, not sometimes, pretty often actually. Okay daily, maybe hourly. Because it stands between us and happiness. It stands between us and peace of mind. It stands between us and God.

So today, I invite you to take a rest from your inner critic and honor the hard healing work you have done! Seriously, give yourself the gift of acknowledging how far you have come in healing from trauma. We hardly ever do this, do we? We work so hard, we pray, we heal, we take our baby steps, sometimes we have a huge breakthrough, and we just… keep going. Pause and look back at what you have done to get to this place in your healing.

Just as no one can walk this path for you, no one can acknowledge the work you’ve done either. Only you know the breathing, the reading, the therapy, the nights of constant praying, of turning it over to God again and again and again. Only you know – and God. I think the Divine is always looking for opportunities for us to heal more and to acknowledge us when we do. I can look back on my life and so clearly see times when the opportunities to heal would lessen so I could catch my breath and just live. Similarly, I clearly see the times when the opportunities intensified because I had to heal something deeper to move forward. God knows our needs, and I feel God celebrates our progress, not only for our own healing, but the healing of the world.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou

It takes really hard work to become a butterfly, and what do we do when we see one? We often stop, reverently, to admire it. It’s one of the few absolute transformations in nature we have probably seen in person. So we know that dark period in the cocoon can be long, but that so much is happening inside that we can’t see! Miracles are happening. So we stop and witness to it.

Do that for yourself. You are nothing less than a butterfly, and even if you’re still in your cocoon, not ready to come out – witness and have reverence for how far you’ve come. No one will do it for you, and it’s so crucial we do this for ourselves!

“We acknowledge our pain, not to get more depressed or to drown in the suffering, but to see the truth of our experience.” ~ Sharon Salzberg

What is the truth of our experience? Take stock today of your progress. Have you slept through the night? Decreased flashbacks? Have you asked for help in a healthy way? Have you surrounded yourself with supportive friends? Can you close your eyes and meditate? Can you stay alone? Do you feel closer to God? These are all wins and we deserve to pat ourselves on the back.

Our mind, body and spirit is running a marathon of healing. It’s a long race, so we must pace ourselves and recognize our immense progress along the way! There will always be more to do, more to heal, but just for today, acknowledge your own dedication and progress in healing. Rest in God’s arms, and join Him in being proud of you. Can I get an amen?

“Lovng ourselves through the process of owning our own story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.” ~ Brene Brown

F Cancer #21 & 22 - Reflection

#21, 22 - Reflection

Some days I look into the pond and even with the ripples in the clear water I see myself, and I see myself clearly.
Some days I look into the pond and the past is behind me, and I see my shadow, and I grieve.
Some days I look into the pond and it's muddy and covered with autumnal leaves, and I wonder how on earth I'll ever be able to see myself in the murky waters.
Some days I look into the pond and the waves are too enormous for my gaze to go on.
Some days I daresn't even look into the pond for fear of what I will see -
Some days I daresn't look into the pond for fear of who I have become.

F Cancer #19, 20 - Blogging

#19, 20 - Blogging

Blogging has been the best therapy. Writing has given me an opportunity to calm my mind by putting my pen to paper. Having thoughts out of my mind and written down has given me not only a forum to share but a chance to hone my writing skills.

It's also been great to look back - seeing where I was, where I am, and the content of my experiences over the years; revealing what I'm pretty sure I couldn't remember without this medium. I'm never sure how long this blog will last, yet it will - probably as long as I have an introvert's need to get out of my head and into the moment.

Write on!

F Cancer #18 - Time

#18 - Time

As I finished my workout this morning my friend/trainer/confidante, Cody, and I talked about time being on our side and how sometimes the race to get something taken care of doesn't need to be a race, because of, well, eternity. 

And this morning this thought came up on my account today: 

F Cancer #17 - Standing Up for Myself

#17 - Standing Up for Myself

I had to weigh every single time I went into a doctor's appointment during my cancer treatment; this included chemos, hydrations, and weekly during 8 weeks of radiation. I get it, fluid retention, rapid weight loss and gain, yet adding one more stressor to my already angst ridden appointments. And by the time I was finished with treatments I had enough. Enough of being told to "stand on the scale."

In fact, I'd had enough of being told anything. And so my first time at a regular doctor's appointment, and I was asked to weigh, I said, "No, I won't today." And the nurse looked at me like I had broken a commandment.

Since then there have been plenty of times I've said, "No," in defense. No to weighing, No to eating eggs, No to extra time with someone, No to attending church, No to accepting an assignment, No to being told what to do, No to being pushed into something I'm uncomfortable with, No to allowing someone to know me better than I know myself.

Over these past 6 1/2 years I have said "No" more than I have my entire life. And my lesson has been that I know me! I know my purpose, my my path, my passions, my pursuits. And although I've also learned to be flexible these past years, I've learned that if I'm not happy . . . well, if I'm not happy, then I'm not happy! And saying No has allowed me to begin to control my anxiety and my fears. I can't be in charge of how someone else will take my No, yet guilt was a regular for the first hundred "No's."

I have learned to stand tall, to be me, to own my story, to let others do the same, and then to know when Yes is important, and when No is important. Hurray for me!

F Cancer #16 - Play

#16 - One powerful blessing of cancer is the realization that came that there is a time to play, and I must take time to play. To laugh outloud, lose myself to the moment, and to not turn down the opportunity to play!

So I'm off today to play! Happy Wednesday ya'll.

F Cancer #15 - Genetics

#15 - Genetics

After 7 years, I was brave enough to have genetic counseling done. My cancer is typically genetic; about 10-20% of breast cancers are Triple Negative; typically women under 50, a predisposition to cancer (genetic), and women of African-American, Hispanic, or Polynesian descent. I didn't fit into any of these categories! About 70% of those diagnosed with Triple Negative, have one of the BRCA genes.

Yet . . . it is considered to be the most aggressive cancer, and it does not respond to the traditional hormone therapies. If a woman can make it through 5 years without reoccurrence, that's great news, and 7 years is the bomb-diggity, ring-the-bells, do-pass-go, best news in the world.

And if a genetic test comes back NEGATIVE, halle-freakin-lujah. That's the best news ever for her and her family.

All new news to me over the past 7 years, and surprisingly, how something I knew absolutely nothing about can now bring such a huge sigh of relief!

Here's to clear breathing -

F Cancer #14 - Wildfires -

https://www.wildfirecommunity.org/ 

F Cancer #11, 12, 13 - Family

#11, 12, 13 - Family of birth and of choice.

My mother's birthday is on Saturday. I'm off for a few days to celebrate this special time with her and some of my siblings.

Family - they're everything.

F Cancer #10 - Hair

#10 - Hair

My eyelashes are back!!! I am absolutely giddy about having eyelashes! I don't have eyebrows, but that is so inconsequential.

I didn't mind losing my hair to cancer. And growing it back over the years - watching it evolve, has been interesting. I learned where my cowlicks are, where my hair is naturally curly, and not, and watched my color change from salt and pepper to blonde, to its own shades of gray.

I've watched my body hair come in, learning that I hate hair in my nose, understanding the minimal growth in other areas, and not liking shaving my legs.

I've had my eyebrow line lightly tattooed (not cosmetic tattoo, yet a line), in the hopes that would do until they grew back - and I do have a few hairs, but not many.

And I've mourned never having decent eyelashes, ever again. Yet this week as I've been applying mascara, usually fruitlessly, but nonetheless a habit, I noticed I actually have some length and some thickness. They are not sickly frail, but healthy! I am very very happy.

Gotta celebrate the little things! Because they are the big things.

F Cancer # 8 and 9 - Anxiety

# 8 and #9 -

I despise the anxiety that leaped into my life with my cancer diagnosis, and the anxiety that lingers - now with issues unrelated to cancer, yet regardless, is still a part of my life.

Take Sunday night - in bed, trying to sleep with a sinus infection, and Bam, heart palpitations, hard time breathing, sweating, claustrophobia, and a deep fear - related to . . . I have no idea! Nearly back to sleep after breathing through this, and Bam, again, the same thing. By this time I'm wide-awake, it's 4am, and sleep is no longer an option.

So I try to work through the anxiety - take it from the present and work back - ok, long day ahead of me, time with colleagues I haven't seen for a couple of years, a need to give some explanations and answer questions, no sleep, sinus cold. Yet I'm warm, cuddled up to a loving body, I've had a great day, nothing unusual happening or going to happen, overall - life is good.

Sometimes anxiety can't be explained, I guess! And so it deserves 2 spots on my F Cancer blogging spot this month.

At one time defined, these days no reason to, and I guess, no reason not to!

F Cancerer # 6 & 7 - Pace Myself

#6 & 7 -

I have learned I cannot run faster than I can walk - and I've learned that the hard way, crashing on my bike a short time after I finished cancer treatment. Yet - I think I learned pacing while undergoing chemo - there were days that my "to do" list consisted of: "get up, go to the gym, get dressed, take a nap, go from there." And rightly so, cancer treatments kicked my ass.

This lesson has been valuable, and again this morning I was reminded to pace myself. A conference in SLC began at 8:30am, and I was not there. Yet rather than be terribly anxious about being late, I enjoyedthe drive, arrived at the break, met my colleagues, did my part, listened, and left early for home. BECAUSE I COULD. And the rush rush rush that I often felt in the past is not much a part of my life any more. I hurry, I push, and I also pace. 

And I have a whole lot less crashes when I do slow down - and a whole lot less messes to clean up!

F Cancer #5 - Grandchildren

#6 - I love my family, and as much as I love them, I love them in bits and bites rather than all at once. Cancer taught me this. I don't need them all around, all the time.

For instance, Miss Tempest. She is the grandchild who traveled my cancer journey with me the closest, just because her momma, Jenna, was my 2nd in command.

Last night the Holm family came to visit; Tempest was tired, curled up in a blanket on the couch, and I knew she wanted to spend the night. So just like that, no questions even necessary, because of trust and constant communication, Tempest woke up here this morning, and nothing important planned, just time together. One at a time!

F Cancer #4 - Sitting with God -

#4 -
Yesterday I was at lunch with a friend. We mentioned being in tough situations and just wishing God was able to sit next to us and converse - a listening ear, some guidance, acknowledgement that we're on the right path, sorting out options, be that presence when we need one.

And I mentioned there are times when I think, "Ok, I don't need someone in a chair to listen to me, because I can turn to my Higher Power." And yet there are times when I'd like a physical body to sit with me.

My friend agreed, and we continued on with our conversation. And then I was struck with this thought - I am sitting here talking to God; the God within all of us. We have friends, live conversations with them and when the communication is revealing, perhaps that is God talking to us.

Cancer has taught me to reach within to find my strength, and healing has taught me that I do need others to affirm my wanderings.

This man is my companion; he sits with me. 

F Cancer #3 - Nails in Honor of BC -

3. I have learned to embrace my "marching to a different drummer." I've never been much of a conformist for the sake of following the crowd. I've typically weighed and measured my options and then taken the step in that direction.

Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) is an outlier cancer, matching my non-conforming personality.

And last night, when I had my nails painted, and I thought about what I wanted, and how I wanted to honor this month (pink ribbon painted on one finger?), I chose this.

Here's to those who won't follow the lemmings to the leap.

F Cancer #2 - Tact -

On the list of Cancer-related goodness's -

2. I have learned how to be tactful. I am definitely frank, but that is different from tactful. I can now couch my words to fit my situation rather than to fit my emotions. "That's not going to work for me," rather than, "Hell no," is an example.


As I walked into work today the 2 women at the front desk asked me if I wanted my picture associated with my medical records updated. They said they couldn't even recognize me (I had an appt.), and thought I needed a new pic. I was grateful for their concern. Here's my pic, nearly 7 years ago.

Thanks, Michelle and Rhonda, for caring!

Pinktober - F Cancer -

It's that most wonderful time of the year, again! And I hate Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Cancer isn't sexy, pink, glittery, promotable, celebratory. Cancer sucks.

This month I'll be sharing some of my highlights though. What I've learned from cancer is a topic I think about daily, and perhaps now is a good time to think of the brighter side of a month that makes me want to puke.

1. Breast Cancer taught me to be real. There's not much kept private during cancer diagnosis and treatment. So being real (honest for another day) means showing my weaknesses and strengths to myself and others.

A bad day at the beginning of radiation. Drawn in eyebrows.