Knowing, and Not

It's been a tough week, and I'm not going to try and sugarcoat it. Like my friend Shirlene said, when I told her I was just going to be honest, "And why would we expect anything different from you?" If I could turn back time . . . but I can't, so I am trying to find goodness in my "situation" right now.

Goodness comes from:

Knowing I didn't cause this, and I acted quickly - I am healthy, and my healthy choices will make this process more simple than otherwise - no "wish I would have" for me.

Knowing I have insurance. As the bills come rolling in, we hit our individual out-of-pocket max in one week, I am blessed with healthcare. I give to the roadside panhandlers, and I've joked that one day perhaps I'll stand on the side of the road with a sign that says, "Need boob job," to see how much money I can make. But medical care is a necessity of life, and I count my blessings.

Knowing I can trust those who are providing my medical care. This has been such a comfort - they have a proven track record, are the kindest folks, and they are proactive, and they are happy to work with me and my requests. As well, I have friends who have been in similar situations, and they are sharing their practical tips, and I am grateful for their care. 

Knowing I have emotional and physical support. I am so blessed to have family and friends and colleagues who care about me - I have so little to give right now, and you all are giving so much (two types of soup in the fridge, a loaf of homemade bread, and warm apple cake, all delivered today, e-mails, cards, messages). Thank you Audrey "doodle" Gibb of the Oregon State Beaver's Women's Soccer team for wearing pink and playing for me today.

Knowing Scott is devoted to me. Oh he is a good good man, he serves me gently, lovingly, patiently. I vacillate between tears of gratitude and tears of frustration and pain, and Scott holds me close. He is my rock. Even this week, with the death of his father, he stands strong.

Knowing there is a plan - there has to be a gold lining in all of this - and I am hyper-aware that I need to be learning and growing from this, so my experience is not in vain. I will not waste these next few months wishing time away, I will learn and grow. Having this blog as a place to sort things out has been great therapy for me. This really is an "age of miracles and wonder." 

Goodness also comes in the not knowing as well:

Not knowing who or where I'll be six months from now, or even tomorrow - that's part of the adventure and risk I'm willing to take on this journey. It's part of the discovery - it is the excitement, even in the thick of things.

Not knowing what the plan is - I don't believe "God must really love you to give you this," or "God only gives you what you can handle." Nope, not gonna buy this, there's too much pain and hatred in this world, and knowing these statements, well, that's discounting agency, choice, beauty, reality. This is not the God I believe in.

Not knowing forces me to live in the moment, and that is something I must learn - I must learn it is good to not know.

Happy weekend to ya'll, thanks for traveling this segment of the road with me this week.