I feel betrayed by my body - I've worked so hard to be healthy, and then this? Why?
I looked in the mirror this morning, after getting out of the shower, and did not recognize myself. As fast as I could dry off my bald head, with stubble in a few places, I put on a hat. I don't even want to look at myself to put on make-up this morning. I have very little hair left - eyebrows, eyelashes, and hair on my arms, that's it. Why? I have no appetite - and this morning, walking, I took a sip of water and then had to stifle myself from throwing it back up. Water?! I'm constantly tired - lethargic, I used to have so much energy, now 10 freakin' hours of sleep a day, which includes a nap or two, doesn't seem like enough. I'm pissed because I have to take a pill to sleep, a pill so I'm not nauseated, a pill so my anxiety doesn't control me, a pill so I'm not constipated - because of the other meds I'm taking.
I'm an emotional wreck. I cry at nothing - I cried because the gym was locked this morning; I cried because I look so scary; I cried because it's my best friend's birthday today, and I cried because another friend's husband passed away last night (that's not nothing, but I've never met this man). I cry because it's a beautiful day, because my jeans fit, because I'm tired. Mostly - I cry because I am not brave - and I feel like I'm a fraud - to everyone who says I'm brave - I'm afraid I've let you down. I cry because a friend cares enough to call, and I cry because I don't want to talk with him, because I don't want to cry. I cry because a daughter calls - and my love for her is so strong, and I have nothing to give her.
I'm fickle - my concentration is zero - I cannot read, watch a movie, work, visit, eat. I have no appetite for conversation, yet I yearn for conversation. I don't want to see anyone, but I wish I wasn't so alone. I thought I wanted yogurt and fruit for breakfast, nothing sounds good now. I cannot plan more than 30-60 minutes ahead of time, and I like a schedule! I have nothing to look forward to - and I have no energy to look forward.
I'm lost - I can't find Ronda anywhere. I'm not sure I know, or even like, the person that has taken over me - body and soul. I don't know what to do with her.
When I stood next to you at the cemetary on Saturday I finally understood how helpless Dan must have felt when I was pregnant. No matter what he did I felt NO relief. Even the smell of him made me throw up. I remember feeling entirely alone and almost crazy! I felt angry when anyone told me they understood, I felt angry when people told me it wouldn't last forever, I felt angry when many told me that it would all be worth it. I felt like screaming LEAVE ME ALONE, but then I'd cry because I felt so alone. One day my Dad came over during one of my many melt downs and all he said was "It's okay to feel just how you're feeling" I started bawling... I felt "normal" for a brief moment. So I'm sharing some profound words of wisdom. Ronda.. It's OKAY to feel just how you're feeling! I LOVE you!
ReplyDeleteAnd YES... Cancer does SUCK!
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