Nadir - Low Point -

YOU CAN'T . . . 

You want to bet? Do not challenge me by putting those 2 words out to me. If I'm told I can't, then I'll figure out a way I can, whether it's "You can't be happy," or "You can't have your cake and eat it to," or "You can't swim upstream." I will - 

So, let me get this out of my system – shit, damn, hell, and sunny beaches. My white blood count is non-existent, in fact negative, and my red blood count is waaaay low, with my ANC values at 0. And when the PA said, "You can't . . . . " Which means I have to follow these rules, for this specific amount of time, for the safety of my own body, and I am grounded to the house until Monday, when “the Neulasta injection should begin working which will boost your white blood count just in time for chemotherapy on Wednesday.” I know she really means this, and I can't! Lovely! No visitors, no raw fruits or veggies if they can't be peeled - but I can keep exercising (the only thing normal about my life right now)!

I have some major anxiety and nausea, and the beginning of thrush in my mouth and a runny nose (Cytoxin attacks all the membranes, including sinuses and mouth), so I have new prescriptions for these, as well as 4 new prescriptions for “just in case,” which includes more meds for the nausea I've been having, the low constant headache hum, the constipation, and then any symptoms that come from taking these meds (use them all Ronda, use them). This is just to get me through the week, until the next chemo treatment, "We'll consult with our palliative nurse to see what we can do about the steroid, for your nausea, that is most likely the cause for your headache."

I’m having a heck of a time wrapping my mind around all of this - I think I'm a fairly smart teachable person, but this is so foreign to everything I know about health, and I am such a no-drug person, and I work so hard to maintain a peak level of health and fitness, that this cancer/chemo stuff just baffles my mind. I mean, I'm healthy, oops, I'm not, but I was, and I haven't done anything to harm my body, oops, I did - I let the chemotherapy in, but wait, that's to help me, but I have to be hurt to be helped?  In order to take care of my body, everything needs to be killed off with drugs, and then take more drugs to fight off what may continue to kill me! Geez -and I know I've written about this before, and I hope that in continuing to write about this I can figure all this shit out.

I quit ingesting artificial sweeteners about 2 years ago, because of what I'd read, heard, learned, and I've slowed down on my HFCS, white sugar, and I seldom use white flour anymore. But . . . perhaps I’ll go have that Diet Pepsi – what’s the worst that can happen?

The PA reminded me that I need to trust the oncologists, they are pros, they know what they're doing, they'll heal me as they have others, and when I'm finished I will be healthy. The quote on my e-mail signature says, "Sometimes the only way out is through." I CAN, I can -