Thursday, October 4, 2012

Topsy Turvy

On one of my earliest blogs I mentioned that my life has been turned upside down. I thought I'd elaborate here.
I was yanked off all hormone-related medications the day I told my doctor about the lump - Hormones, for those of us in the preliminary menopause stage, keeps us from hot flashes, mood swings, sleeplessness, dryness, weight gain, and all other menopause-related issues.
What that means is - I now have all of the above, and it happened overnight. Menopause was not something gradual for me, it happened 48 hours after I went off my hormones (because you can't be on hormones with any female type cancers, even though I tested normal for all, and my cancer is not receptive to hormones).

I have become a cry'er - something I never thought I'd do - say something kind to me, and I am in tears, and I don't cry pretty - not many tears, just sobs and snotty nose. The receptionist who checked me in at the hospital for my x-rays on Monday, told me I looked nice - and I cried! I received a kind e-mail this morning, and I cried - goodness. I talked with a friend today, and I sobbed, and laughed - thank heavens I laughed.

I have anxiety out the wazoo - On Saturday I felt like I was on uppers - I was pinging around the house, bouncing from one project to the other, telling myself that I should be grateful for the adrenalin my body was producing, so I could get "everything" done that needed to be done prior to the port on Thursday. On the other hand, I cannot sleep at nights unless I'm medicated, and I wake up at 5am with my mind just racing. The only things that can keep me focused right now are my job and reading. 

Transitions - I bought 2 hats on Saturday at the Farmer's Market. I picked up 3 hats earlier last week from the American Cancer Society - ones to sleep in! I bawled, I don't look good in hats, I don't want to wear hats, I'm so grateful my hair is short and I'm not attached to it.

Another transition - Let's just say that Scott and I are grateful to have each other, and holding hands, a 20 second hug, and snuggling while watching TV. Blame this one on hormones and anxiety.

Sleep - So neither of us are deep sleepers. We got a new bed, bigger, so we wouldn't wake each other, but I do miss being close, but I don't miss his tossing and turning and snoring, and he doesn't miss my tossing and turning. But he now works late, and then he has to unwind, so he comes to bed late, and that means I go to bed earlier than him, and now I wake up earlier, and our sleep schedules are totally random.

Scott retired 2 1/2 years ago, and this spring he got a job at Home Depot. He worked in gardening, and they love him, and they are keeping him, and now he's working in plumbing, and he's working mostly the afternoon, evening shift, and on weekends. 
This has certainly affected the time we have together. I was sooo happy for him to be working, which gave me some alone-time, but now, I'm missing him, and that is so not me!

Mealtime - I'm a stress eater, an anxiety non-eater. And with Scott's work hours, mealtime is absent. And I don't care to eat alone or with him. What I miss is the time to unwind together, talk about our day, missing it. 

Tired - I swing between being tired and being high-strung, and I think they are related. I keep thinking my body is healed, I am fine, and then my heart skips a beat and I remember I'm recovering from surgery, off my hormones, and I'm starting chemo next week. No wonder I'm tired!

I'm an introvert - I miss not-talking about myself! I miss being alone, by choice. I miss checking up on others! I don't like attention - yet I seem to be the focus of so much that it's tiring.

Planning, control -I am so stinkin' organized, I plan, I think things through, I act, I move on, and I like looking forward to things - so surprises really aren't my favorite, nor is the unknown. Since I found out about chemotherapy I've been dreading Oct. 10, but I can't wait for Oct. 10 to be over with - so I know what to expect! The only thing I can do now is wait, and worry, and wonder, and get more anxious - no matter how organized I am, this is now totally out of my control - I'm going to have to put my faith, trust, life, in the hands of highly competent people I hardly know.

I miss me. I wonder what the new me will look like, be like, how I'll act, how I'll respond, how I'll handle this -

A dear friend said to me, "You have all the love and support we can give you, but sometimes it's just up to you and the Lord." In other words, "Let go and let God." Don't know if I'm ready to do that - gotta think/feel this one through -

We'll talk about emotions another day - ones like sorrow, anger, fear, grief, gratitude - 


  1. I remember long nights as I prepared (tried to control the outcome) of Carter's surgery.. Absolutly the worst nights of my life that lead into the most rewarding moment of letting go! Trusting and having faith is easy to talk about but a hard concept to actually apply. I know that trial was specially designed for me. Trust in HIS infinite wisdom! I Love You!

  2. It's so good for you to write about it all. I just know that your blogs will help others facing similar circumstances. I wish for you peace as you face the first chemo treatment. And I just know the new you is going to be an amazing, resilient woman. You can do this!


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