I'm bothered by folks who say things such as, "I wonder . . . " "I wish . . . " "Somebody oughta . . . " "Tomorrow I'm going to . . . " I was taught, "For crying out loud, quit your crying and do!"
So I don't talk about dreaming, I talk about action. I don't talk about "If only," because I know the "only" is me. "If you want something done, do it." And I pride myself on being a get-'er-done kind of person. In fact, dreaming scares me - because then they must turn into action - or the dream is lost.
The past few months I've been a couch-potato, or better, a chemo room recliner babe. I see things that should be done. That I should do. And I can't. And that's been torture. Asking, reaching out to others - I feel almost apologetic - sorry, excuse me, ummm could you . . , and neglecting or not doing - ouch!
On Wednesday the nurse practitioner I see every other week told me, "Don't take on anything other than yourself until at least May. People will be asking you to do things, because I know the kind of person you are, but you must say 'No.' You do not have your doctor's permission to begin anything new, big, more, until May, and then we'll evaluate. Heal, you hear me? Heal." She also told me, "As soon as you finish chemo, go find a rock, someplace warm, and sit, soak in the goodness, you need this time, you need this for you."
So I've been thinking, if I can't do, then at least I can be. "BE the change you want to see in the world." The word DO is not in this phrase. I can: Be patient, Be kind, Be thoughtful, Be gentle. And in the being, perhaps I will find a different type of doing - that internal growth, the internal change that would be wonderful for the rest of the world, but fundamentally has to start with me - I need to be patient with myself first; be kind to myself first; be thoughtful for me, first; be gentle to myself first. Then it will move from the inward being to the outward doing - to others.
As I've been thinking about this, I am reminded, and I have been reminded multiple times over these past few months, of the prompting I had way back in August (another lifetime), "Take care of yourself. You need another year to take care of your body." I now know this means my physical body and as well as my spiritual body. I can exercise, eat right, get my strength and stamina back - these are all doings. While I'm doing, I can also be - contemplate, meditate, think, read, pray, be still. I can't force my hair to grow, the sun to shine, my wounds to heal, the tulips to grow. But I can be still and watch, hope, enjoy.
Be the change . . . the change that I need is to "Be."
Yes, that's where I'll be-gin; Begin within -