This morning I felt all alone - vulnerable. My "well-woman" physical, scheduled months ago, really was a "how to survive chemo" physical and conversation, covering topics like, "You have osteoporosis, but we won't do anything about it until after chemo because . . . " "My goodness, you're already exercising? You'll be glad you're doing that while you have chemo because . . . " "If you're having hot flashes, we can do something about that, without hormones, while you're having chemo . . ." "You should have a flu shot before you have chemo because . . . " "You will need bigger veins than these when you have chemo . . . " "Let's check your levels now, then again when chemo . . . "
Yet the level of intimacy went up too; I was surprised at the bond the phrase "breast cancer" created between me, my doctors, and my nurses. Not just the typical, "You are strong, you can beat this," but, "I was thinking of you, words fail me, but I'm thinking of you." "What can I do for you, for your husband?" "You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time." "I'm just a phone call away." "I am here for you." "You are brave." "You don't have to do 'cute,' do cancer your way." "Yes, that is typical, but don't worry about normal, whatever is you, is you." "You are allowed to have shitty days." "What days are convenient for you?"
Energy coming in - healing energy.
Some days I'm not a believer, I'm a skeptic, but today, when my doctor called (after our morning visit), just to share this with me, I hold on, believing someone hears, someone cares:
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God (through friends, medical workers, family [RWW]) will be with you wherever you go.”