Friday, September 14, 2012

Void

This morning, at 48 hours post-op, I took off the Ace wrapping covering my chest. I was not prepared - I have a 4 inch incision in my arm pit, where the doctor removed the 3 lymph nodes. I knew about this one. However - I have about 1/2 of my left breast remaining, with a large void where the rest of my breast used to be. The incision from my side to the middle, bottom, of my breast is about 7 inches long. I have no feeling from my side to my nipple, nothing. Just a big long scar, skin tucked and pulled, and red and purple. As I stood looking at myself in the mirror I went light-headed and pasty white and had to clasp my hand over my breast and look away.

I was taught my body is a temple. I was taught that God gave me this body to take care of, and if I did, it would serve me well. I eat healthy, I exercise, I sleep, and my body has served me well.
I was also taught I am not my body - and that I shouldn't let my body define me - I am MORE than my body - I am not silky long thick hair, curvy hips, tiny waist, perky boobs, pouty lips, slender legs.


I've shown my "left side" to several people today - my mother, my friend, my sister-in-law, my ex-mother-in-law. I would have never shown them my whole breast before, but this time - this viewing, it's about what's not there, what's missing, as opposed to what could be there, what was there, what should be there.
I am not my body - but this is what I have, and I will love my temple - bumps, bruises, scars, veins - because it is in seeing the void that I see what exists.


6 comments:

  1. Oh Ronda...I have no words. Just admiration and love.

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  2. Oh Dear Girl! How well I remember that day. My mother chose not to look...my sweet sister-in-law made me two cloth bags with long ribbons to hold the drainage balls.
    Will keep praying that you get stronger every day! You are a Warrior now!

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  3. I remember the day I first saw my scar. I was five months pregnant with my second child and I was feeling like my breasts were finally useful for something. I was devastated to find half of my breast missing at a time when they meant something to me and my unborn child. Fifteen years later the area around the scar is still numb but I hardly notice anymore. I had a to have part of my right breast removed a few years ago so now I'm not as lopsided. And, I'm alive. So many emotions surrounding that kind of surgery though. Thinking of you!

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  4. You continue to amaze and inspire! I know Father will assist you as you recover. Don't forget that hundreds (at least!) are praying for you. You are loved!

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  5. Oh Ronda~ my heart is aching. Prayers for strength and peace are coming your way. XO

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  6. Tears streaming...I love you Ronda. Yes, we are not these bodies, I have to remind myself of this daily. I'm blessed to have you in my life.

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