Void

This morning, at 48 hours post-op, I took off the Ace wrapping covering my chest. I was not prepared - I have a 4 inch incision in my arm pit, where the doctor removed the 3 lymph nodes. I knew about this one. However - I have about 1/2 of my left breast remaining, with a large void where the rest of my breast used to be. The incision from my side to the middle, bottom, of my breast is about 7 inches long. I have no feeling from my side to my nipple, nothing. Just a big long scar, skin tucked and pulled, and red and purple. As I stood looking at myself in the mirror I went light-headed and pasty white and had to clasp my hand over my breast and look away.

I was taught my body is a temple. I was taught that God gave me this body to take care of, and if I did, it would serve me well. I eat healthy, I exercise, I sleep, and my body has served me well.
I was also taught I am not my body - and that I shouldn't let my body define me - I am MORE than my body - I am not silky long thick hair, curvy hips, tiny waist, perky boobs, pouty lips, slender legs.


I've shown my "left side" to several people today - my mother, my friend, my sister-in-law, my ex-mother-in-law. I would have never shown them my whole breast before, but this time - this viewing, it's about what's not there, what's missing, as opposed to what could be there, what was there, what should be there.

I am not my body - but this is what I have, and I will love my temple - bumps, bruises, scars, veins - because it is in seeing the void that I see what exists.