I prepared, as much as I could, for the time I would get pregnant, then I knew if I didn't get pregnant "this month" that I may wimp out. And we did. And all the preparation I did for my second pregnancy was worth its weight in gold; I had meals in the freezer, activities for Tyler, and I was prepared - as well as I could be.
However, oh my, I was so sick. I started throwing up the day after Jenna was conceived, and that didn't stop until around the 8th month! My legs ached - my varicose veins popped out - from my pelvic floor down to my ankles - I had this river and tributaries all over both legs - and they hurt. To keep from hurting too much, Tyler and I would often spend time laying on my bed playing games, visiting, watching videos. Not only did I have stomach and vein issues, but I had horrible headaches, and I had a handful of sweet neighbors who would take Tyler for a couple of hours a day to play, while I slept the headache away.
Well, Jenna was born mid-May, and the sun was out - figuratively and literally. I felt like I had risen from the dead - and I had a beautiful baby girl (we didn't know her gender until she was born) to show for the troubles! And Tyler, Clark, and I certainly bonded with this little one.
Until - until I know my next steps, until I know what is being asked of me; until I know how my body is going to handle this journey.
So throwing the pregnancy and adventure metaphors together - I'm going to grow - probably so big that I'll want to pop, there will be some days when I'll probably wish I would never gotten this way in the first place, but knowing there's no way out but through. I'm sure there will be days when I'm excited for this new adventure and days when I beg for normalcy.
I know this won't be easy, I know I will have plenty of teary days, plenty of puking days, plenty of days with a freezing head - and there won't be a new baby at the end of the journey, but there will be a me, a new me - and there is some hesitancy and anticipation.
Just received a call from the oncologists' office verifying my Wednesday appointment. Next step!