I was talking with a friend on Sunday about what's happening with my body. We both have children, so I mentioned to her that I'm taking this adventure on like I did my second pregnancy. My first pregnancy, with Tyler, was tough, but just the usual puking, food cravings, and some varicose veins. He was born, life went on! However, as Tyler got older, and I knew we should be thinking about seriously getting pregnant again, I was scared. I knew what I could expect, and I also knew it could be worse this time, based on some issues with my body after having Tyler.
I prepared, as much as I could, for the time I would get
pregnant, then I knew if I didn't get pregnant "this month" that I may
wimp out. And we did. And all the preparation I did for my second
pregnancy was worth its weight in gold; I had meals in the freezer,
activities for Tyler, and I was prepared - as well as I could be.
oh my, I was so sick. I started throwing up the day after Jenna was
conceived, and that didn't stop until around the 8th month! My legs
ached - my varicose veins popped out - from my pelvic floor down to my
ankles - I had this river and tributaries all over both legs - and they
hurt. To keep from hurting too much, Tyler and I would often spend time
laying on my bed playing games, visiting, watching videos. Not only did I
have stomach and vein issues, but I had horrible headaches, and I had a
handful of sweet neighbors who would take Tyler for a couple of hours a
day to play, while I slept the headache away.
Well, Jenna was
born mid-May, and the sun was out - figuratively and literally. I felt
like I had risen from the dead - and I had a beautiful baby girl (we
didn't know her gender until she was born) to show for the troubles! And
Tyler, Clark, and I certainly bonded with this little one.
Until - until I know my
next steps, until I know what is being asked of me; until I know how my
body is going to handle this journey.
So throwing the
pregnancy and adventure metaphors together - I'm going to grow -
probably so big that I'll want to pop, there will be some days when I'll probably wish
I would never gotten this way in the first place, but knowing there's
no way out but through. I'm sure there will be days when I'm excited for this new adventure and days when I beg for normalcy.
I know this won't be easy, I know I will have plenty of teary days, plenty of puking days, plenty of days with a freezing head - and there won't be a new baby at the end of the journey, but there will be a me, a new me - and there is some hesitancy and anticipation.
Just received a call from the oncologists' office verifying my Wednesday appointment. Next step!